How your child relates with peers and friends might seem like something you have little control over. But, parents and caregivers can make a big difference in helping their children develop healthy relationships and friendships, using tools that sustain them later in life.

“A lot of times parents think, ‘Kids will be kids—as long as they’re coming home and doing what I want them to do, that’s all that matters,’” said Mitch Prinstein, PhD, chief science officer at APA, who studies peer relations in kids. But research shows that children who are likeable among their classmates in childhood fare better than those who are less likeable, perhaps because negative peer interactions promote patterns of aggressive behavior and low confidence.

Here are ways to help your child grow into a socially savvy adult, based on psychological science:

Learning good socialization skills can begin as early as toddlerhood—in fact, it’s a great time to start because research shows that kids who have good social skills are more likely to stay in school, be happy in future relationships, and stay healthy, Prinstein said. For very young children, he suggests that parents and caregivers:

• Show children how to “take turns”. Science demonstrates that relationships are successful when we learn how to reciprocate and express empathy in our social interactions. Use play time with your child as an opportunity to show them how to take turns, instead of letting them dictate every activity you do together, Prinstein said. For example, they may suggest playing with stuffed animals, then you suggest looking at a book together instead. Helping children get used to such interactions helps them build flexibility, so that when they get together with peers, they can use those same skills.
• Structure play dates. Research also finds that young children’s social skills are strongly influenced by positive parental involvement. When parents help their children organize social opportunities and when children see parents exhibiting good social practices, they’re more likely to develop good social skills themselves, Prinstein said. In addition, setting a framework around play dates (when, with whom, and what they do together) can help children learn social skills and make new friends. Of course, as kids get older, it’s important for parents to allow kids to take more responsibility for many of these decisions.

[Related: How to help kids understand and manage their emotions]

Kids entering kindergarten and elementary school are still pretty self-focused, so it’s a good time to help them start thinking about others. Because younger children think in concrete terms, “your suggestions should be very skills-driven, where you actually tell them the words to use,” Prinstein said.

Some ideas:

• Help them act with kindness. “Ask your child what they did to make other kids feel happy or included in a given activity, and really help them understand the mechanics of that,” Prinstein said. If your child is playing with other kids and sees a child sitting alone, for example, suggest that your child ask if they want to join in.
• Encourage them to take another’s perspective. If your child enjoys playing with a certain toy, ask them how they think Brad or Anisha might enjoy playing with the same toy, or not. This exercise helps kids grow their ability to understand that others might be different from them and to gain empathy in the process.

[Related: How to help kids cope with anger and frustration]

As children enter middle school, two aspects of peer relations become more prominent. One is how well a child fits in with peer groups, and the other is the development of one-on-one friendships, which can blossom even if a kid doesn’t fit in with a crowd.

Some ways to help kids in this age group:

• Discuss popularity. According to research, there are two types of popular kids: those who are “likeable”—positive, empathic leaders—and others who are popular for status-related reasons, like being attractive, aggressive, influential, or “cool.” This distinction can be confusing for kids, but by explicitly explaining these differences, “you can really help them choose the right path,” said Prinstein, who is also author of Like Ability: The Truth About Popularity (APA, 2022).
• Encourage the development of friendship skills. Good friendships share several common ingredients, including nurturance, disclosing vulnerabilities, conveying trust and loyalty, and helping friends cope and thrive, research finds. Discuss these qualities with your child and how they can choose those kinds of friends and be that kind of friend, Prinstein said.
• Nurture their self-confidence. Middle-school kids also need to learn how to hold their own despite the threat of peer exclusion, Prinstein added. “Most kids will experience at least some bullying from peers at this age,” he said. “It’s important to teach them that this is likely not due to their own faults, but to difficulties that bullies have controlling their feelings and making friends in more adaptive ways.” Middle school is also a good time to guide children toward making their own decisions about peer issues, while communicating that you’re there to support and counsel them.

[Related: How parents can help kids make the transition into middle school]

As kids move into their teens, peer relations grow more sophisticated, with romantic relationships, deepening friendships, and increased peer pressure entering the mix. Here’s how to help your teen navigate this complex social time:

• Normalize their insecurities. Most teenagers have social and identity concerns, so help your teen remember that “everyone else is probably just as worried about themselves as you are,” Prinstein said. Encourage teens to have empathy for their peers because they, too, are dealing with a lot of complex stuff.
• Help them honor themselves. Continue to help your teen value and nurture their own identity and encourage them not to buckle under peer pressure. You might have some influence: While bonding with others is a huge focus at this stage, “research shows that kids actually end up creating values at the midpoint between what their peers want and what their parents want,” Prinstein said.

Ultimately, kids know more about their peer relations than you do, he added, and soon they’ll need to make most decisions on their own.

“Parents can teach their children skills that they will use in every personal and professional relationship they have for the rest of their lives,” he said. “If you want your child to be an adult who is considerate and inclusive of others, reward them for being so now.”